2015

Opened up my new year with a journey, just couldn't stop my feet from making a footprints..

Meeting new people, getting help from old friends, all I knew that those things made me happy, being a hippies, relying on a backpack for a long time, and a little of money, but some how I survive. Of course I do, I stood between my friends. We had fun like there was no duty nor deadline..

But I forgot one thing, I forgot to close up my problem. I opened all that door, and left it over as I never enter those room. I drifted myself into a society that never know me as a whole person so I could pretend that I never knew those problem and no body will reminds me about that because nobody knew my past..

Freedom is always something that I want, want to be, want to live in it..

I was looking for a home for such a long time, long journey, until I realized that I don't need one, there are always a kindness of stranger, a street to be sleep, free cigarette, a floor to be dance..

So I continued to travel, just ride, followed the blow of the wind..

Backpack could be a symbol of my freedom, I could go anywhere, everywhere, but home, because I don't need one.. I had everything that I need inside it..

I made a long way run, changed from one person to another person, and that wouldn't be a problem, because they didn't knew me, I was all alone after all, inside the faces of stranger..

HARD TIME, HARD TIME, RUSHING BY..

BLOOD, SPLASH, WOUND

I was out of oxygen, hard time, tons of problems, came by. It felt like I didn't faced a lot of big problem  for such a long time, about four years I guess..

I screamed, but no one hear

I cried to sleep each night

Became a completely robot

Doing what I had to do without knowing what I need to do, how to fix up things, and make a choice

I felt completely empty

I heard people talking, but I didn't knew what they were talking about

I ate and drank, but I didn't knew how they tasted

I was the only one who didn't laugh when someone threw a joke

I was the only white between black, and the only black between white

How lucky those who could became a grey

I didn't even knew was God is real or not

I didn't knew who to blame to

friends, family, stranger, or simply me

Mostly I chose myself

That women who stood behind the mirror suddenly became my worse enemy

I tried to kill her, scream, and cry to her, told her how stupid she was

But she was the only one who understood me, the only one I could talked to at that moment, about my duty, college, money, family

Every pictures and moments became polaroid

I got sicked of it, where were all those colors?

I didn't knew where to ask

So I chose to ignore it, even I knew it wouldn't work

But I kept reminds myself that

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

And I had a faith that there would come a color rain that filled all this white and black with colors

It was a little weird, but I found friends, or at least those who could shared some colors and told me where to find color right when I was stopped to believe that there are colors. Thing one by one clear, and it did happened a color rain. At the same month, May 2015, my lives got colored.

Maybe I would never knew how colors means a lot in my life if I never lost it..

I was deeply wound, but I survived..

There is no light without darkness

There is no laugh without cries

I found an oxygen

I breath

Breath, baby, breath..

Things went back to almost normal

I never knew anything that completely normal

Everything are absurd

Even life itself

   

Those colors kept raining...

One day, I met a person. We talked a little, something I didn't knew at that moment, that he would change me..

I believe that people don't have to owe each other, we are a completely free subject, we don't need to attach to other, we could stand by ourselves, ot at least me..

I don't need home, world is my home, I keep searching an edge of freedom, where I could be anyone and anything that I want..

I lost my home, no wonder..

I didn't loose it once, but many

Some because I was different, some because I wasn't fit to them, and some I just simply left them...

I believed that I would find a happiness through a freedom, without anywhere to belong

Just me, myself, and I

That little talked led me to know him more, he was so different from me, his culture and the way of thinking..

Until I realized that that little talked turned into a two months talked, a non-ending talked, and I enjoyed it, simply because he was different from me

He got me thinking about my thought

I loved him, but I left him

I couldn't possessed him because he was too gorgeous to be owned and caged

And I would stopped loving him if I own him

Those freedom led me to a dead-end, I found no happiness, there were no happiness inside it

I felt lost without a home, a place to go back to

Perhaps I aint willing to be free, I just thought that I am. It just the illusion that I built, a bullshit to make me still happy without a home when actually I was screaming to be home and not to be free..

I told all of this things to a stranger, then he said "You should change you perspective about what is a home, is it a person, community, or place. If you don't have one, make one. You have something that called brain. It's something that built up the reality around you. It's the one who has completely freedom. No one could limit another's mind. You're the owner of your brain and you're the writer of your life."

It was true, anyone could caged somebody's body, but not they mind.

I choose to change

I left a thousand of thing that I owned

I even left myself

Something that I did four years ago

That completely changed they way I lived

Well, in my perception, to be better

Then I tried it again

I will never be something if I never break away from who I am that day

I cried when I left them for the very first time, till I stopped

Weird things happen

I found myself right when I stopped being who I am

I got nothing to lose because I had nothing left

End of December came

All those little pain, memories, laugh, teardrops, thoughts, steps, wounds, bloods, sounds, stares, people, imaginations, words, every little things gathered and build my 2015..